


Pandemic 3: Revenge of the Guinea Pirate

by no_kitty_thats_my_pot_pie



Category: South Park
Genre: Adventure, Comedy, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-11 20:34:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10473846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/no_kitty_thats_my_pot_pie/pseuds/no_kitty_thats_my_pot_pie
Summary: Craig’s guinea pig is kidnapped and he must travel back to Peru to rescue him. A Craig/Tweek one-shot.





	

Craig woke to Blue Swede’s “Hooked on a Feeling” and pressed snooze twice before getting out of bed, just as he did every school morning. He made the bed, threw on his everyday cartoon outfit, and took special care to feed and pet Stripe. He groggily walked down the stairs and almost missed a step, which was different from yesterday; then, he and his sister flipped each other off over waffles, which was the same.

Thomas and Laura Tucker didn’t join their children for breakfast; they never did. Instead, they hovered around the coffee machine as it made their liquid joy in agonizing slowness and discussed South Park’s latest drama. For example, yesterday the topic was Randy Marsh’s most recent stupid stunt and this morning it was the budding beginning of Randy Marsh’s new stupid stunt.

Ruby always acted as if she didn’t care in order to distract her parents from her obvious eavesdropping. Craig, on the other hand, actually didn’t care.

He retreated back upstairs after he put his plate in the sink so he could stroke Stripe for the remaining minutes of the morning. He waited until the last possible moment to saunter out to the bus stop. Clyde, Jimmy, and Kevin Stoley were waiting for him there.

“Craig!” Clyde called. “About time, man.”

The bus had just picked up Stan and those guys down the street and was lumbering towards them. Craig always arrived at the bus stop at the same time as the bus, yet he never missed it. This never ceased to amaze Clyde.

The boys got aboard the school bus and Craig sat with Jimmy. Clyde sat behind them, alone, and scanned the bus. Craig didn’t bother.

“Yo, where’s your boyfriend?”

“Sick,” Craig responded without turning his gaze from the scenery outside.

‘Sick’ typically meant the flu, but in Tweek’s case, it meant he was trying to quit coffee again and was in bed with withdrawal systems. Tweek had texted him very confidently last night so Craig gave him until noon to cave.

“He’d better not miss the f-f-f–” Jimmy stuttered over the word ‘fight’ for a bit before forcing it out.

“He won’t.”

Tweek discovered a talent and passion for boxing in third grade, thanks to Stan and Kyle, although Craig was reluctant to give them any actual credit. He faced off against North Park boxers every other Friday night in front of jacked-up high school kids and loud rednecks. Craig couldn’t think of a single thing that would get Tweek to skip a match.

After a few more stops, the bus filled to capacity and rolled into South Park Middle School’s parking lot. The preteens filed off the bus, and Craig and his buddies banded together in the crowd. His friends all chattered excitedly on the walk inside.

“Dude, Token, the spaz is home sick,” Clyde said.

“He’d better not flake on us,” Token complained.

“Tweek won’t flake,” Craig spoke up and flipped off his friends for doubting him.

Tweek’s matches were a big deal in this group. Clyde and Token charged $5 at the door, Jimmy opened the fight with his stand-up, Craig filmed it for his video project, and Tweek…Tweek got to put his ADHD and pent up nervousness to good use in the ring.

The school day went on without incident, except for when Tweek texted Craig a picture of himself brewing coffee at 12:47 p.m. He texted back ‘I’m impressed you lasted this long’ because he really was and for some reason Tweek called him an asshole.

Despite his unwarranted reaction, Craig found himself missing his boyfriend on the bus ride home. Craig had always followed a tedious, boring schedule that kept him safe and out of Peru. He even sometimes mentally penciled in things like ‘Go to party at Token’s’ or ‘Have feud with Stan and those guys.’

No matter what life thrust at him, he either fit the surprises into his routine or worked around them. In fourth grade, Craig had a boyfriend forced upon him and began to panic, but Tweek fit well in his life. So well that on days when he was gone, his absence was truly felt.

Craig got off the bus at his stop and made a beeline for his house. Today was Clean Stripe’s Cage Day and he only had twenty three minutes to do it before “Red Racer” came on.

He turned on the TV, changed it to the correct channel, and fluffed up the pillows on the couch in preparation for his daily worship of the best show on Earth. Then, he bounded up the stairs and into his room, and stared at an empty cage.

He blinked stupidly at the cage for a few moments before it hit him that Stripe was _gone_ , not just hiding. He called out his guinea pig’s name a few times and scanned the floor, but realized the door to Stripe’s cage was shut and he couldn’t have escaped on his own.

His first course of action was to call Tweek. He was surprised to discover how much his hands and voice shook on the phone and fought to control himself. Tweek answered on the fifth ring.

“Hello?”

“Stripe has been guineanapped,” Craig said in all seriousness.

“Dude, just say kidnappe – _aagh!_ Wait, what?!” Tweek squawked.

“He’s missing. Can you come ove–?”

Craig’s request was interrupted by a yelp from the other line and then Tweek shouting, “I’m on my way!”

Craig returned downstairs and paced in the living room as he waited for Tweek to arrive. “Red Racer” was just about to come on and, despite all the abduction hijinks, he wished he could sit down and watch it. Nine minutes after the call, Tweek burst in the door, out of breath and his mad scientist hair looking more windswept than usual.

“Did you run all the way here?” Craig asked.

“Of course I did!” Tweek cried, and then took a gulp of coffee from his travel mug. “My stepson is missing!”

Craig took a break from panicking for a moment to appreciate Tweek. He felt a sudden rush of affection for him and had to suppress it so he could focus.

“We need a plan.”

Tweek slurped loudly from the mug because he needed more coffee for maximum brainpower. The two boys put their heads together and seemed to reach a conclusion at the same time: “ _The camera!_ ”

They tore up the stairs, their sneakers leaving tracks of dirt on Laura’s carpet, and Tweek guzzled the rest of his coffee while Craig frantically pulled up the cage footage on his computer.

Earlier that year, Craig set up surveillance in Stripe’s cage and Tweek’s locker to keep a watchful eye on his loved ones. Tweek, of course, knew the camera was there, but no one else did and there was lots of discussion in the eighth grade about why he often shouted and made faces at his locker. The general consensus was that Tweek was putting something extra in his coffee.

Craig sifted through today’s footage from the Stripe camera and stopped the video when he saw a disturbance in Stripe’s adorable daily routine.

“Oh, no.”

“What is it?” Tweek peered at the footage, which currently showed a sleazy figure crouching next to Stripe’s cage. “Oh, shit! Who’s that?”

Craig just put his head in his hands and said “Oh, no” again.

“Craig?”

Craig mumbled his response into his hands and it sounded suspiciously like “I have to go back to Peru.”

“Peru? Why? _Look at me!_ ”

Tweek yanked Craig’s hands away from his face and stared into his eyes, something that made Craig incredibly uncomfortable. He shook his boyfriend off and averted his gaze.

“Stripe’s kidnapper is a guinea pig in a human suit,” Craig said stiffly.

The boys sat there for a beat, digesting this information. Tweek was the first to break the silence when he said, “Okay…” and then “I need more coffee.”

“Don’t leave,” Craig said, unaware that Tweek was not actually about to abandon him for coffee.

He pressed play on the video and watched in horror as Stripe’s kidnapping unfolded. He watched his failure as a parent again and again, the rewind button serving as a dark lotus-eater as it trapped him in a loop. Once again, Tweek was the one who had to pull him back to reality.

“Are we gonna _do_ something about this?” he shrieked and jumped out of his seat.

Craig forced himself to close out of his video software and pulled up an airline website. He purchased two tickets to Peru with his father’s credit card number that he had memorized, and felt both better and worse after having done so. Tweek watched all this over his shoulder in puzzled bewilderment and after Craig noticed this, he turned to him and calmly explained everything that happened in Peru three years ago.

It took nearly ten minutes to explain the entire ridiculous story, including all the tiny details that weren’t necessarily relevant, but Craig thought were important, anyway. Tweek, who was all too familiar with the trouble that Stan & Co. get up to, took this in stride. He began to pace the length of Craig’s room, thinking hard and desperately trying to suck down the remaining drops of coffee in his mug.

“Okay, so if our plane leaves at nine, we only have five and a half hours to pack and prepare and leave for the airport. Oh God, what should I pack?! What are you supposed to bring to a rescuing? And how are we going to _travel to Peru_ without our parents noticing? _Aagh_ –”

Tweek stopped suddenly, frozen, and stared ahead terrified with his mouth hanging open. Craig’s first guess was that the lack of coffee combined with the stress of a kidnapping had fried his brain.

“We could just walk out the door and our parents probably won’t even ask where we’re going,” Craig said helpfully, but Tweek remained in the same position. “Seriously, Tweek, chill out. We have to stay strong for Stripe!”

“I can’t go with you,” Tweek said in a hushed voice.

“Why?”

“Dude, the _match_ , I’m supposed to fight tonight. I can’t bail!”

Craig’s heart sank. He was loathe to admit the extent of his devastation, but traveling to Peru (again) had seemed much less like a bummer when Tweek was accompanying him. He forced himself to put on a brave face for Tweek, as well as Stripe.

“You should go.”

“Craig…”

Craig got up and crossed the room to put an arm around Tweek.

“Go, really. I got this,” Craig said. His words suddenly felt more intimate the closer he and Tweek got to each other. It excited him.

“I can cancel,” Tweek suggested.

“You can’t. You have a responsibility. And Clyde and Token would bust a nut.”

Tweek smiled and playfully pushed Craig off him. The mood shifted back to panic immediately and he began to pace again.

“So I’ll go to the fight–”

“And win.”

“–obviously. I want you to call as soon as you have Stripe, understood?! Oh God, I hope you don’t learn any heartfelt lessons without me!”

“I _promise_ I won’t learn a dumb lesson,” Craig vowed. “I might shoot lasers out of my eyes, though. Ugh.”

Tweek frantically reassured Craig that he would force Jimmy to record his fight in Craig’s absence and that his video project would be saved, if nothing else. Privately, Craig thought that Jimmy’s shaky cam wouldn’t save anything, but was too nice to say this aloud. Normally, Craig wasn’t ‘too nice’ for anything, but Tweek brought out his softer side.

They hugged goodbye and Tweek rushed home to prepare for his boxing match while Craig packed for his trip. Tweek had raised a good question earlier – what _do_ you take to a rescuing? He decided to pack as if he was spending the weekend on a nice vacation and hoped that would suffice.

He walked right out of the house with a suitcase and Stripe’s empty cage while his family was eating dinner and, surprisingly, they _did_ ask where he was going. It caught him off guard, but he eventually sputtered out that he was spending the night at Tweek’s and they backed off. His parents never forbid him from hanging out with Tweek for fear of seeming like they weren’t 100% supportive of him. They never asked about the empty cage, though.

Craig walked to the bus stop and stood there in wait of the South Park Bus (different from the school bus) for four minutes before he heard a familiar panting and squawking. He looked up and saw Tweek sprinting in his direction, far too alarming and frantic to be considered romantic. Tweek skidded to a stop once he saw Craig and leaned on him to catch his breath.

“Oh – _good_ – you haven’t – left,” Tweek said.

“What are you doing here?” Craig asked. “Your match is going to start soon.”

“I postponed it,” Tweek replied.

“ _Dude_ –”

“The match can wait! You and Stripe need me now.”

Craig suppressed the smile fighting to light up his face and was grateful to turn his attention to the bus that chose this moment to rumble towards them. Craig paid the fare for both of them and Tweek helped carry his luggage to their seats. As they plopped down next to each other, Craig couldn’t help but think back to this morning when he sat without Tweek on the school bus. So much had happened since then.

“Oh, crap!” Tweek cried suddenly, breaking Craig out of his daydream. “I don’t have a plane ticket! Or _money_ for a ticket!”

“Relax. I bought two and never cancelled yours,” Craig replied, trying to sound as boring and nonchalant as possible.

He didn’t want Tweek to know how secretly giddy he was that Tweek had changed his mind like he hoped. He had to put on a charade of Super Cool Craig.

Super Cool Craig glanced over at Tweek in fake boredom when he realized Tweek had brought a backpack and was pulling something out of it. It was the back-up handheld video camera he had left at Tweek’s house for emergencies.

“What did you bring that for?”

“I thought you could record our heroic rescuing and use it for your video project. Two birds, one stone, and all that,” Tweek explained.

“We don’t have to start recording _right now_ ,” Craig said.

“How dare you!” Tweek turned the camera on and pointed it at Craig. “I’m collecting very important travel footage.”

“I’m just going to stare out this window and ignore you.”

Tweek played with the camera and Craig looked out the window until they arrived at the airport, where Tweek was forced to shut it off and put it back in his bag. Craig got a few strange looks for carrying around a pet cage with no pet, but he never noticed. Before long, both boys were on a plane and nine hours later, in Peru.

Once there, Tweek shoved the video camera in Craig’s face and asked, “What now?”

“Uh…” Craig looked around the airport in Peru for a sign, like a sign that read THE LAND OF THE GIANT LOST WORD and a helpful arrow. But alas, nothing.

“Did you forget where it is?” Tweek asked.

“No,” Craig admitted, “because I never knew how to find it.”

“ _What_?” Tweek cried and switched off the camera. “Why didn’t you tell me this before we flew to Peru?!”

“I don’t know. I-I thought I would remember or–or something would happen and it’d get worked out–” Craig fumbled.

His thoughts went to Stripe, who was in the care of a villain and who he was no closer to rescuing because of his own stupidity. He was not like Stan Marsh, whose life always worked out and got wrapped up with a neat little bow, almost as if someone had written it that way. Craig turned away to blink away tears and when he turned back, Tweek was gone.

“Tweek?”

Craig stood corrected – Tweek wasn’t gone, but chatting with a Peruvian man twenty feet away. He was about to confront them, but Tweek returned first.

“That guy knows how to get there,” he said.

“That random guy knows how to get to The Land of the Giant Lost World?” Craig asked, not sure why he ever bothered to be surprised anymore.

“Everyone here does, I guess. That place is something everyone in Peru knows about, but no one likes to talk about. Kinda like that tainted second Shakey’s in South Park.” Tweek charmed his boyfriend with a shrug and a smile. “He’s gonna drive us so there’s no reason for you to freak out. That’s _my_ job.”

The boys put Craig’s luggage in the trunk and got in a car with a stranger, something Tweek had anxiety about but ignored for Craig’s sake. Tweek fidgeted the entire car ride; meanwhile, Craig spent the time thinking about how Super Cool Craig got his ass kicked by Super Suave and Charming Tweek. Stripe was about to get rescued so hard.

“Thank you, sir – no, really, can I give you some mon–? Oh, bye, then.”

The man sped off while Tweek was mid-sentence, literally leaving him in the dust. He clearly wasn’t willing to spend any more time here.

“That wasn’t worrying,” Tweek said sarcastically.

“Yes, it was,” Craig said, not picking up on it. “This place is awful.”

“And _big_!”

Tweek marveled at the hugeness of everything. Peaches, apples, and other fruit were so big they made the trees they grew from sag from the weight. He looked around with big eyes and an even bigger stomach.

“Do you think there are giant coffee beans here?” he asked excitedly.

“I don’t know, but we don’t have time to find out. Stripe is missing.”

“Of course, of course, we can look afterwards.”

Tweek and Craig plunged forward, hand in hand, into the huge forest. Craig led the way and Tweek used his other hand to continue recording. He was much more enthralled with the Land of the Giant Lost World than Craig, who became more anxious every time Stripe’s empty cage bounced off his leg. Visually, this place was unfamiliar, but his legs seemed to know where to go, which worried him.

Craig desperately wanted to avoid another prophecy this time around. He just wanted to grab his guinea pig and go, then get an A on his project and go to Tweek’s boxing match. Normal teenager stuff. Normal for him, anyway.

Craig’s feet led him to the temple he and the other boys had visited three years ago and Tweek urged him forward. They were about to walk inside when a voice from behind grabbed their attention: “I knew you would come, _Cray_ g.”

The boys turned and saw Michael Chertoff emerge from behind a giant strawberry with Stripe in his arms. He was donned in the mundane, raggedy clothes of a fugitive, a big step down from the tailored suits fit for the head of Homeland Security he had worn three years ago. Otherwise, his human suit looked the same as the last time Craig saw it and he glowered.

“That’s my guinea pig,” Craig said.

“Not quite,” Michael Chertoff said with that sinister smile, “but you believing so was enough to get you here.”

“What are you talking about?” Tweek fumed.

Michael Chertoff paced in front of them and bounced Stripe around in his hands in a way Craig knew he hated.

“You see, I set up a back-up plan for if my pandemic flute band ban failed. _Stripe_ was that back-up plan!” Michael Chertoff cackled wildly and thrust Stripe in the air in an unsafe, Lion King pose. “He is the best guinea spy our giant world has to offer and I had him shrunk and sent to be _your_ pet to gather intel on you. I _knew_ losing your precious Stripe would bring you here and now I can _finally_ destroy you before you thwart my plans a second time!”

“I didn’t even want to thwart your plan the first time,” Craig said, annoyed.

“Likely story, _Cray_ g–”

“It’s Craig.”

Michael Chertoff seemed stunned that Craig would dare interrupt him and looked at him with even more hatred in his eyes.

“What?”

“My name is pronounced Craig. Cruh-egg. It’s not hard.”

“That’s what I said!” Michael Chertoff argued, baffled. “Cruh- _a_ gg.”

“No, no, see, you’re saying _a_ gg,” Tweek piped up. “There’s no ‘a’ in egg.”

“ _Silence!_ Time to d-d–”

Michael Chertoff stuttered to a stop when Stripe grew in his arms so rapidly he had to drop him. Tweek shrieked as Stripe (now the size of a couch) thudded to the ground. Craig’s heart thudded with him. Michael Chertoff stumbled backwards, arms pin wheeling, in a frantic attempt to get out of the way as Stripe grew to full size.

“ _Guinea spy!_ ” Michael Chertoff screamed. “What are you–?”

Stripe, somehow now wearing a giant spy outfit, lumbered in front of Craig and protected him from the villain’s wrath. Michael Chertoff sputtered in rage at Stripe’s decision.

“How _dare_ you betray your kind!”

Stripe replied with nothing but a twitch of the nose and this seemed to infuriate his opponent.

“I gave you a job! Access to the free world! Who are you to deny the rest of us the same?”

“…”

“ _Him_?” Michael Chertoff balked at Stripe. “You were meant to spy on Craig, not bond with him!”

“…”

“Well, fine! I have no problem killing traitors if it means putting an end to Craig and his interfering ways!”

He let out a cry of excited anguish as his human suit was torn apart so the guinea pirate could emerge and grow to giant size. The two guinea pigs sparred, their costumes both terrifying and ridiculous. Stripe batted at the guinea pirate, and the guinea pirate tapped him back. There was a lot of shuffling around and blinking eyes and twitching noses.

“Oh, my God, they’re killing each other!” Tweek shrieked.

“I’ve never seen Stripe this angry,” Craig said.

The fight came to an end when Stripe pushed a giant peach into the guinea pirate and he toppled over with a squeak. Stripe nibbled at the guinea pirate’s outfit until he ruined the fabric and the guinea pirate passed out in shame.

Craig and Tweek watched this all happen in awe and slight terror. Stripe turned his giant body to face them and began to shrink back down to his tiny pet size. He scuttled towards Craig and laid his two front paws on Craig’s left shoe as a sign of peace.

Craig stared down at Stripe for a long time, thinking about the words ‘guinea spy’ and what they meant. Finally, he scooped Stripe up, put him in his cage, and took his boys home.

One week later, Stripe was back in his cage on Craig’s desk, and Tweek and Craig were gathered around the computer as Craig edited Tweek’s video footage of their trip. He was privately impressed with Tweek’s recording skills for a beginner. Tweek wasn’t as impressed with the content.

“Look at us! We’re just _standing_ there the whole time!” he cried and then slurped on his double shot expresso, no whip, no cream latte. Clyde had just convinced him to branch out from black coffee and he was already years closer to diabetes. “Stripe does all the fighting and then we just go home.”

“We stayed out of it,” Craig reasoned. “The way I like it.”

Tweek rose from the chair, rolling his eyes and clutching his latte with both hands.

“Whatever. I have to go get ready for my match. Don’t spend all your time editing and come in late!”

“I won’t,” Craig vowed.

Tweek used all his new energy to sprint home, leaving Craig alone with his guinea pig. The tension between him and Stripe had been high since they returned from Peru and he couldn’t shake the weird feeling. But looking at the footage of Stripe fighting tooth and nail to protect him and Tweek was causing a strange, melting sensation in his heart. It felt like forgiveness.

He kicked his wheelie chair over to Stripe’s cage and gently rubbed the back of his guinea spy. Stripe nuzzled against Craig’s hand, and he caved and fed him too many treats.

Craig took a break from the editing to head on over to the abandoned warehouse for Tweek’s boxing match. It felt strange going there without his camera, especially when that asshole Token tried to charge him because he ‘wasn’t part of the crew anymore.’ He shoved past the two bouncers and immersed himself in the sweaty, loud crowd. Luckily, the match hadn’t yet begun and Craig had only just shoved himself to the front when Tweek bounced into the ring.

Kevin Stoley was acting as referee tonight and he announced the boxers with intensity and magnitude one wouldn’t expect from a soft spoken geek. Tweek flexed and jived around the ring in an attempt to wind up the crowd. It worked.

Craig thought Tweek hadn’t seen him, but just before Kevin was about to blow the whistle starting the match, his boyfriend cried, “Hold on a minute! I need my good luck charm!” He hopped into the crowd, pulled Craig into his arms, and kissed him in front of everybody.

Dizziness that had nothing to do with the heat overcame Craig and he swayed as Tweek hopped back in the ring and started swinging. His boyfriend was a knockout.


End file.
